Some things just stay with you... I have never gotten a certain remark out of my head. It was said by a brilliant friend who at the time was a professor of International Studies at Williams College. He, his wife, and five children had lived all over the world because of his field and all had become conversant in seven languages. The professor shared that depending on what he wanted to discuss with a particular family member, he would select  a specific language to insure a more effective outcome.  According to him, some languages contained  a larger variety of colorful and meaningful verbs or adjectives to better convey his thoughts. Some languages were romantic and were expressed with his wife. He said having this aptitude  had really made a world of difference in improving communication with his family  while alleviating  tensions or miunderstandings. This linquistic skill enabled him to articulate exactly what he wanted his loved ones to understand. 

Most of us are limited in our mastery of languages. Yet, that is not the most rate limiting restriction. Even in our face to face discussions there are many built in obstructions. First, based on our experience the words we choose and hear are laden with specific emotional triggers. The wrong word choice or tone  can set off reactions never intended. Then, we add on a judgemental component, "You know how you always respond","It is impossible to get through to you when you are in this s mind-set","I wish you would not jump to conclusions" Rather than opening up meaningful dialogue,most of us unintentionally shut it down. If we are insightful we realize that unfortunately, most of us don't enter into a conversation with the intention of really listening or trying to understand another's point of view. Often, our purpose is to share our experience , prove our point or go off on a tangent about what it brought up for us.

Can you imagine how much more meaningful it would be if we actually just listened----actively listened and let the other person share their thoughts, open their hearts, reveal without interruption what they needed to say. We allowed them to accomplish this without a barrage of questions or judgements if and until they were responsive towards hearing them. In reality, I do not think we ever stay completely on course with a conversation. We either get derailed or sabotage the direction ourselves. I remember watching the Meryl Streep/Robert DeNiro film "Falling in Love" that actually recreated the way people really converse. I found it incredibly frustrating because the two characters never completed a sentence or a thought. Most of the time film,fiction or theater does not imitate life as infuriatingly accurately when depicting how our exchanges really play out.

When one really becomes focused on another's conversation with the intention of allowing them to express their thought, uninterrupted, something else occurrs. It changes the way we relate in the most profound way imaginable. We are able to pick up on cues that we were oblivious to previously. We can now hear another's pain. What was initially interpreted as bravado  now registers as insecurity and self-doubt. Body language and facial expression are now seen as signifiers  in aiding our understanding. Instead of becoming angry or annoyed, we are compassionate and sympathetic. Sadly, the reality is that not only are we ill-equipped and unwilling to put in the time and effort required to connect on this deeper level, but opportunities for having Face-Face encounters are becoming a rarity.

For those old-schoolers who still yearn for the connection of the human voice, phone calls are cherished . Yet, they offer their own disconnect issues.  Certainly, hearing the sound of a loved one or a dear friend's laughter or reassurance is heartening. Yet, many have growing aversion to what they consider intrusions on their time. Certainly, if one calls and never inquires if it is a good time and you are otherwise occupied, the conversation is less than welcome. Others really seem to just enjoy the sound of their own voice which manifests as a nonstop monologue. I think a valuable question to ask yourself after you hang up is "What new information did I learn about the person I called?" If you are pressed for an answer chances are you performed a soliloquey and left the person you called with a headache. The phone calls that matter to me are the ones where we really share parts of ourselves and have gotten to core issues.  I remember as a young mother of two boys, I couldn't start my day without a call to my best friend whose life was a mirror image of my own. We chatted from our respective kitchens as we had coffee. The conversation energized and fortified us for what mommyhood chaos was certain to unfold.

Then emails replaced letters. Soon those electronic communiques lost their salutations and sign-offs and just became headingless dangling bodies of text. Facebook posts now humble-brag, request hugs or prayers and whine into the cyber abyss... Then texting became de rigueur. One needs a Rosetta Stone course to decipher and keep abreast of all the acronyms, hieroglyphics and  emoticons. When you factor in the absence of punctuation and indecipherable tone, how people really comprehend another's intention is a wonderment. 

Twitter is for those who speak in 140 characters and instagram is for visual learners. Perhaps although requiring social media savvy, we are infact reverting back to children's story books. It is the age of little text and mostly pictures... We multi-task in these many forms of communications all vying for our disjointed attention. For those still requiring facial recognition  Scype and Facetime are on the horizon.

I just fear that with all of these conversational sound-bites , visual tech tete-a- tetes, and thumb-numbing texts, we are losing our ability to process and prioritize information. When you have media outlets deconstructing the Republican  debates  decrying that viewers were too focused on the "hotness" of the moderator to pay attention to the content of  the candidates' responses, you know people suffer from distraction overload. 

Perhaps parents have to find the most effective way to hold their child's attention in order to convey what they need to say in the moment. Is thisbest played out as a face to face encounter, an email conversation or better left to text? Should we be factoring in what our child is most responsive and open to. Will  face to face contact  actually shut down conversation? Will an email allow us to elaborate and atleast express without interruption what we need to say? Yet, it will also give our child the option of not opening, or responding. Will texting just lead to a monosyllabic delayed response?  I actually remember how my father dealt with handling family issues or communication challenges. He summoned  us to the diningroom table for what he  called  "A counsel meeting"  No distractions were permitted. It was a chance for each of us to share  what was going on in our lives, what upset us, or what we needed to vent or rant about. Each person had a turn and then as a family we offered ways of reconciling problems and working together as a family toward resolution. I remember we all felt heard and validated.  Perhaps, the viability of this type of family workshop belongs to another era. All participants might go into withdrawal with heightened anxiety until reconnected with their beloved technology.

I remember the challenge for me was just framing open-ended questions that would allow me a window into my sons' lives. I needed to avoid the dreaded inquiries that would be met with a Yes/ No shut down  conversational ender... so I would try--"What was your favorite part of what you are studying in English class today?" "What are you learning in history /"  Tell me about play rehearsal...To this day my resistant and resentful children---call me Inspector Clousseau and tell me all I was missing was the hot light to put them under when I did what they not so affectionately refer to as the day's interrogation. For some reason, still unknown to me,  my perceived  endless curiosity about their lives was never fully understood or appreciated....Thus taking us back to my brilliant professor friend  who could  overcome this by tapping into one of seven languages.  His linguistic skill worked magic on the overwhelming  task of getting through to his five children and keeping the lines of communication open.

Upon reflection, I have to admit that I love the way my three year old grandchild Edie often communicates. She simply takes a heart icon sticker and adheres it to my heart. Then she takes out her Doctor Mc Stuffin  stethoscope and says," Let me listen to the love in your heart". Who could argue with or misinterpret  such simplicity?. That universal language can never be misconstrued....