Pondering Adult Friendships....

The whole concept of friendship has been turned upside down by the cypersphere. We let virtual strangers into our world and interact  on a more revealing basis than actual friends and yet we might never be able to pick them out of a lineup. We may recognize a kindred spirit or fascinating person we might never have encountered if not for social media.... But what about that moment an alarm goes off signaling it is time to block someone because they are total bonkers.  

Facebook has allowed me the ability to reconnect with childhood friends. They function as my nostalgiascope. They remember things I have forgotten. Unearth photos   that trigger instantaneous recognition and provide almost sensory overload of time and place. Ours is a shared experience of an era gone by. Memories evoke lost innocence and yearning for simplicity.  We are once again situated in our old neighborhood and favorite haunts.. Childhood friends remember our parents now deceased, our not so secret teacher crushes, and our first boyfriends. Hell some of them are our first boyfriends! Our real or virtual visits are like going back to our favorite diner and hanging out again.  We've got college friends,connections through raising kids, work colleagues and gym buddies. I think if heterosexual, friends of the other sex or if gay, friends of the same sex while very  rewarding can be fraught with all sorts of issues. There can be simmering repressed attraction and resentments from your significant other for sharing confidences,perceived betrayal,or preferred time with this bff. My husband even felt threatened by my gay male friends even though they may have found him more attractive. He never bought into the whole concept of platonic friendship.

Often friends are high maintenance and their lives are fueled by drama and demanding of time and attention you may not always have or want to devote to their catastrophes. Some people crave day to day interaction of phone calls and constant scheduling of get togethers to validate their importance in your world and reprimand you if you don't comply.  Some friends, although married plan spa days and friends-only vacations because time together is still so valued regardless of your change in status or other demands on your time. Men have hunting and fishing trips.golf outings,gambling excursions to Vegas and spa days too. Sometimes I think friends have higher priority than spouses for some couples.            

I just spent both nights of the weekend with two different sets of friends I have known over thirty years. We've vacationed together,shared holidays,celebrated milestones,triumphs and grieved over devastating loss.We speak in code. They are my easy-breezy cronies.                                                                                                                

I find living in an apartment building in Manhattan is an entirely different animal when it comes to cultivating friendships. You can live next door to someone and never learn their name much less ever enter their apt. Most friendships in the building originate in the gym and can become quite chatty and animated. Taking it to the next level, however requires great diplomacy. People have their established outside friendships and in order to break through you really need to recognize the social cues. You can be banished if you force intimacy or try to socialize beyond the gym borders. It can be a very sensitive negotiation. You need to recognize and accept when your overtures are not welcome and be content to retain the gym-centric nature of your contact.                                                                        

I think people most need and appreciate friends when there is a life altering event like a divorce or death of spouse or child. During those tragedies some friends are revealed as gawkers; revelling in all the gorey and lurid details and get secondary gain from watching a trainwreck but offer little solace. I've had people call for minute to minute intrusive and private  updates when my niece was in a coma but never showed up at the funeral because they didn't feel close enough. Often they disappear because it is too painful but the ones who stay the course are precious and to be treasured.                                                            

I've realized that I am an ambivert when it comes to friendship. While I can be very social and enjoy the company of others, I also live inside my head quite a bit and seek my own counsel,company and the refuge of a good book. I know I flee from those who zap the oxygen out of the air and fill it with negative energy. Debbie Downers should apply elsewhere. Do we just want friends who can read our minds and finish our sentences? I have such a diverse group. I had a transgender friend before Caitlyn was trending. Having friends of different ages,race and sexual orientation really challenges me to rethink some of my longheld notions. Sometimes you put your foot in your mouth but a good friend helps you extricate it. I cherish those friendships. I gravitate towards bright,witty outrageous people who engage in provocative conversation. Make me think and make me laugh and i will be a sucker for your company. My sisters remain my best friends. We have gone through some very dark and difficult times but we have emerged without bitterness and the ability to find humor in the bleakest of scenarios.                                                            

I think we can have friends for different seasons and are blessed if we have lifers. Some are incredible listeners and when I feel safe I will share my most private self but others are really more focused on themselves and I am grateful to get outside myself and so, while friends, we may not exchange intimate parts of our lives.                                            

Contemporary friendships now often sustain themselves via text or email. Old school phone people often feel frustrated. My friends know I love them. We can catch up as if we never missed a beat because we are in sync with one another. I think friendships cannot be forced and I am a good judge of when people have ulterior motives for wanting to get close. I am blessed to live with my best friend and to have family who are the friends I choose to spend a great deal of time with. Who says you can't make new friends as an adult?? My new bestie is my 3 year old granddaughter Edie.                                                  

I just expressed a lot of ideas regarding friendships of the platonic variety but would really love to hear your thoughts. Wondering if marriage has impacted friendships in any way? Have you lost friends because a spouse had an issue with you? Have you ever outgrown friends? Had to sever a toxic relationship? Rediscovered an old friend? Ever been betrayed by a friend? Have a friend who knows you better than yo know yourself?  I hope you will join the discussion.....