I've raised my two sons. They are out in the world. Both are recognized and respected in their chosen fields and living their dreams. I cannot undo any of their childhood experiences or my parental decisions. Yet, I find myself revisitng or second guessing and I wonder if I'm alone in this. Here is what I think about...Can we love our children too much??

The question transports me back to my own childhood. My mother was a narcissist and my father was emotionally witholding. Both had suffered the loss of their own mothers. My dad experienced this trauma at the age of seven and his older sister took on the task of raising him. My mother, an only child, was farmed out to so many different relatives, also from the age of seven because that is when her mother developed MS and could no longer care for her. My mom ended up attending twenty-two different schools. Her mom eventually died when my mother was nineteen.  So, of course sadly  the two women who would have been my grandmothers remained unknown to me and I never experienced that kind of unconditional love.  

Understandably, both my parents were emotionally damaged by these life changing occurrences but did the best they could. I grew up feeling both parents were undemonstrative and for different reasons not fully present.. Their three daughters did not feel nurtured and that we were the center of their universe. I vowed that when I had kids I would provide them with everything I craved.

I attended to their every need. I knew nothing about sleep training and as soon as there was a whimper from the nursery those babies were swept up in my arms. Often, today when your hear mothers say they stayed home, the duration is usually six months to a year.  I stayed home until they went to college. Of course I created work for myself but it was a home situation or a schedule that revolved around theirs. My husband echoed my philosophy and never missed a chance to be with them. We deliberately lived near the hospital so he could maximize his time and influence with them. He would rush home to bathe his babies and raced me into the nursery for their two AM feeding. He cherished every moment. 

My goal was that they never experience a second of feeling unloved. There was not a day that went by that I did not reiterate those sentiments. Perhaps, I should have realized it was obsessive when five year old Dan took it upon himself to inform me,"Mom we know you love us. You don't have to tell us every day." Why do you do that? My answer was "I want you to store up all the extra ones. so, if ever there is a time that you need to hear it and I'm not around, you can just pull out an unused I Love You and envelop yourself in it." 

Rainy days also provided great opportunities. In our home they were renamed Cuddle Days. If there were drops on our window, the three of us were huddled in the big bed under the covers . The boys were on either side of me and I was reading their favorite stories or we were playing games. I guess the boys started to outgrow their appreciation for this activity.  Jason, my tactful first born gently suggested that perhaps it was time for me to get a pet. 

We also shielded them from any problems we as adults were having. They never knew about health concerns or financial worries. We had been the guarrantors for a good friend's  business which failed. It became our sole responsibility to pay back all of the creditors. We were in debt for hundreds of thousands of dollars.  My husband's surgical practice kept this from being a total fiscal debacle but it remained an overwhelming financial burden. Our accountant told us to sell our house, our car and take both boys out of private school and declare bankruptcy. We fired him and followed none of his advice. It took us about ten years to recover. During that period ,Richard and I lived very frugally; eliminating all of our own personal extravagances. We both chose to disrupt our sons' lives as minimally as possible. They were deprived of very little.

When they both went to private colleges, we took out loans so that when they graduated they had no outstanding debt and could focus on establishing careers. We  continued this practice through Jason's masters and PhD. We helped our struggling actor with rent and subsidized him so that he would be available for all auditions and opportunities.

From the time they were  born, we never took couples' vacation. It was always enjoyed as a family getaway. We valued those experiences and having them with us was so much less anxiety-producing. I remember good friends telling us what I considered heresy at the time. They said---"Forget the kids. Live for each other. They will leave the house and it will just be the two of you. Don't neglect your relationship."  I remember being  incredulous at the way they lived their  life . They went on vacations by themselves, ate out without the kids during the week and were not consumed with what was going on in their offsprings' lives. This was so alien to everything I believed and held sacred.... Richard would laugh because when my kids teethed--my wisdom teeth became impacted. When they got their finger pricked for a blood sample--I got a welt.. Our role as parents was to do everything in our power to ease their burdens,help resolve their problems and help them accomplish their dreams.

The good news is I believe I accomplished my goal of making them feel unconditionally loved and knowing that as long as we drew breath we would always make them a priority and stop at no lengths humanly possible to be of assistance. The downside is they have no need to seek out our approval because that is a given. They know they don't have  to do anything to earn or deserve our love. No reassurances are required. Perhaps we got our message across too well. It creates children who don't worry about parents who never wanted to concern them with our problems. 

 My friend who lived for his wife and put the children a distant second  is now a widower. He treated his grandchildren with the same benign indifference.  What I have witnessed is that both his children and seven grandchildren adore him and if you are in his company the texting and calls coming in from them to him is nonstop.  We have another friend whose mom was a crack addict and whose dad abandoned him. He was placed into the Foster Care system.. Fortunately a social worker realized how intelligent and gifted he was and advocated for his educational opportunities. He graduated from prestigious prep school, Princeton College and Harvard Law School on full academic and athletic scholarships. As soon as he was on his feet financially, he sought out both parents reunited and now fully supports them both. 

I think about other friends. They were three siblings; two sons and a daughter. The mother, a widow overtly favored her daughter and neglected her sons. She lavished her time, affection and material gifts on her girl and  ignored the  boys. When the mother's health failed, the daughter  turned her back on her. One son and his wife took the mother in and lovingly attended to her until her death.  I have not done research and am just offering very sparce anecdotal evidence that perhaps kids who are not raised on a steady diet of being told they are loved to the moon and back  by their parents become more self-sufficient,less selfish and more determined to earn their parents love and approval in adulthood.

The truth is I could not have parented any differently. I adored my children beyond words and do not regret making them a priority. I do believe in my heart each contributes to making the world a better place. It's just that every so often I hear my dad's voice saying, "The only thing I ever ask of you is to do for your children what I did for you."  The reality is in some ways he did a lot less but perhaps he was wiser about creating more empathetic human beings.

I would love to know what parents who have adult children think and for those in the process of raising young families what your thoughts are.