Lately, the concepts of "Having a Plan B" and "Not Always Getting What You Want" are vying for center stage in my brain. I have come to realize that the only way to survive what life throws at you is to subscribe to both theories. We delude ourselves into believing we have control over our lives. We make reservations, plan trips, focus on the trivial and inane and distract ourselves with nonsense. We are hooked into our devices 24/7 I believe not so much to remain informed but to protect us from the quiet moments and introspection which force us to ponder the Big questions. It is far more essential for us to weigh in on the size of Kim's ass than to address our inability to cope. 

Then, a loved one becomes ill or dies. We lose our job. A spouse is discovered cheating and wants a divorce. We cannot concieve .We have an accident that incapacitates us. And, suddenly life as we know it is derailed and unrecognizable. How many of us prepare ourselves psychologically for these reversals? I think we live in denial. To allow ourselves to get real about these inevitabilities can be paralyzing and yet not addressing the certainties of the unimaginables is setting ourselves up for a freefall.

There must be a part of me that understands the importance of preparation because as a creator and advisor for a senior leadership group, one of the most important aspects of the training was to impress upon my student leaders the importance of preparing for a Plan B.  They needed to consider everything that might go wrong and prepare themselves to be able to handle it. They confronted all the potential pitfalls so they would not be caught off guard.

We used to laugh that my son Dan, who was obsessed with becoming an actor had no Plan B. He could not make change so subsidizing himself as a waiter until his big break came-if ever-was not an option. His aspiring actor friends, who were more realistic eventually sought more secure paths and ended up in medical school or in successful businesses. Dan's passion and single-mindedness , however, was so all consuming that failure for him at this uncertain venture was inconceivable . Perhaps that played no small part in his being able to make a living out of what is such an elusive and unpredictable career.

My dad died suddenly from a massive heart attack in his fifties. In retrospect we believe he was was more conscious of his failing health than he shared because he left my mother an extraordinary gift. My father understood my mother was totally ill-equipped to handle the financial aspects of what is entailed when a spouse predeceases you.  She was totally ignorant of how to manage the fiscal part of her life. On the night my dad died, my mom discovered a notebook with her name on it. It became apparent he had devoted the last year to detailing a handbook for his wife so that his death would not create chaos in her day to day existence. This notebook lovingly took her by the hand and guided her through every aspect of what lie ahead. He prepared a Plan B so she didn't have to.

I know I have a serious problem because every time my husband wants to educate me and bring me up to date on our banking,insurance policies, documents, and assets, I block the information out. The gripping fear is that when I will have to deal with this is when Richard is no longer here. I cannot bring myself to face that. We have a running joke that when the time approaches--I will have to perform the outdated funeral custom of Indian widows known as sati when the wife sets herself on fire on her husband's pyre shortly after his death because I won't be able to function. The rational part of me recognizes how dangerous and ignorant a position this is. Yet, I put blinders on because my fear overrides and postpones dealing with this necessity. He is far better equipped to deal with surviving me. He will just have to master making coffee and figuring out if the dishes are dirty or clean in the dishwasher.

I have witnessed my friends thrust into widowhood and even through their grief they have risen to this very difficult occasion and equipped themselves to handle what needed to be addressed. I don't know if they were just more practical in handling the finances during their marriage or just received emergency tutorials. They no longer had the luxury of sweeping these responsibilities under the rug. A change in status in addition to pain, anquish, and grief can be so disruptive and unsettling to one's equilibrium and sense of well-being. Curve balls throw us off balance not so much because we never expected them but because we refuse to prepare for the inevitable in all our lives. The one trueism is that we will all get smacked but for each of us the wind being knocked out of us may have a different root cause.

For those of us who have suffered loss in our lives, we realize a harsh reality. Life as we know it, will never be the same. There will always be a void and an ache which fortunately does dull to a degree with the passage of time. We can never restore our lives to BC--before catastrophe.We can rail against the fates and the unfairness but in the end we need to confront the truth. If we are ever to prevail we need to reconcile the circumstances and transcend the pain. we need to focus on the blessings and carve out new meaning and purpose. The process and stages of mourning cannot be short-circuited. And it is fascinating how you go through the heartbreak, the anger,the denial, the what ifs and then the acceptance. 

I know friends who have lost children have immediately thrown themselves into tireless fund-raising for the foundations and charities that focus on the illnesses or causes that took their beloved child's life. Then, miraculously they wake up one day, which may be years later, and know it is time to move on. They realize they need to distance themselves from this world of fund-raising to create  a new way of being in the world.  

Resilience can never be underestimated. It forces us to get up every day, put one foot in front of the other and continue on. After mourning or absenting yourself from your previous day to day routines there is a quiet realization. You once again feel that you deserve to be happy. You have a desire to emerge whole again. While for some, you may never make sense of what life has thrown at you. You know it is time to stop drowning in the quicksand of asking questions whose answers remain elusive. Slowly you recognize that  laughter and hope have returned. You discover that you find joy where there was just overwhelming sorrow.  And that although life has presented you with events both tumultuous and cruel, it also has been such a source of unexpected beauty and inexplicable moments of happiness. 

Perhaps your life has not rolled out the way you would have authored it-but despite the bitterness it has such profound sweetness. It is during these moments that we need to go through a process of reinvention and to figure out who we are now that we have been uprooted from our previous existence.  How do we find meaning?  What do we need to preserve and what must we let go of?. We go through the grocery list of what we need to fulfill us in body, mind and soul. I think it is a conscious process of learning how to breathe again: Inhaling that which provides sustenance and Exhaling the toxins. And you are at peace because amidst all the ruin and upheaval is the self-knowledge that you have found both inner strength and the realization that maybe you didn't get everything you want but you discovered what you need.